Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Randomize