I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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