Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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