Jerry, you need to find god
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
