So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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