trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Randomize
