was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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