my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Randomize
