there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
