swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Randomize
