i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Terrible idea I love it
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
