i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize