I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize
