her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize