She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
