Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Randomize
