I think i sorta joined a cult last night
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
