Betty ford says i'm here all night
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
