Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize