The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
