eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Randomize
