There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
