Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
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