I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
COCAINE IS GR8
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
