Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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