Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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