I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Randomize
