the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
