I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
