so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
