just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Randomize
