the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
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