Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Randomize
