How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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