Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Randomize
