Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
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