so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
