My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
It's blow job season.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Randomize
