i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
you made out with another girl for some wings
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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