Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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