Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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