I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Randomize
