Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
