I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
