did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
