I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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