You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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