I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
