My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Randomize
