I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
