I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
