I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
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