She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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