I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
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