Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize