by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize