...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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