i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Randomize
